Love Her, Love Ris @ blog.loveris.sg

What a young mother! - Thats the comment i often get from shopkeepers, neighbours, business partners, people who took the same lifts as me, teachers, clinic assistants, doctors, hawkers, etc etc… And i realised i will only get these comments when the kids are with me. Especially when Jermaine is with me.

I never really mind at all, whatever strange judgmental stares or comments i get, let them be… i’ll say. But recently, especially after the hongkong trip, i realised i have become a little more uptight whenever i’ve got this comment from onlookers… why is that so? I am no sure how many of my readers have ever see me in public before, if you have, can someone please drop me a comment and tell me what you think? I tried to picture me holding Jermaine’s hand on one side and carrying Charlize on my hips the other side, how do i look?

Maybe i had sensed the increasing pressure. Afterall its difficult and sometimes awkward to be Me. To be Me, i have to be a perfect wife, a perfect mother, a perfect boss to my subordinates, a perfect daughter-in-law, a perfect sister, a perfect daughter. To be Me, i have to forgo all my personal times, i have to set aside my emotions and i have to only have time for my family and work, and nothing else. I realised a lot of expectations come from Myself.

So stop being perfect!

Sometimes, i snapped. Its difficult not to snapped when the pressure i faced is humongous. Last sunday, i disciplined Jermaine in public (At Ikea, Alexandra) and i still feel bad till today. My heart ached so much that i have to force myself to think of nothing but the new bed and study table i got for Jermaine and nothing else. I can truly understand how my mother have been like when me and my sisters were young, naughty kids fooling around. I always doubt my mother when she say “Hit you, hurts me” when i was young. I always think its bullshit. But now i fully understand what she had meant.

Am i really such a lousy mother? I know i have been spoiling her bad since young. Thats because i always feel guilty towards her, the situation i had put her in. No one wants to be born into a broken family… no one wants to be able to see her mother on weekends. I always give in to her, and i always put her on top of everything, even when her request is unreasonable… to the extent that i wont allow anyone else to scold her or discipline her. I realise the mistake. She will be spoiled rotten.

Sometimes i really dont know what to do. Maybe, afterall, i am really just to young to be a mother and i havent catch up on ways to deal with a 8 year old. I know now she needs communications, 2-way communications, she needs patience, consistency and strong principles. She also needs lots of my attention and lots of my love. Iris, can you please learn how to manage your emotions and control your temper?

Sometimes, its difficult to describe my feeling. I am also starting to spoil Charlize. Will she take advantage of my soft spot, just like her sister? Been bickering with Stev so many times over disciplinary issues… i hope i can be a little bit more like him. And him, a little bit more of me…

There is a vast difference between the feelings i have for Jermaine and Charlize. Towards Jermaine, i became extra protective, super defensive, like a porcupine ready to attack. I am constantly thinking of her, thinking for her. Constantly comparing her with other kids, constantly trying to make her more “balance of everything”. Towards Charlize, there is nothing but joy. Joy of being so at ease, joy of being so normal, so easy… But of course i dont mean that the stress i have from Jermaine will take away the love i have for her, nor will the ease and joy i have with Charlize will make me love her more. No. Thats not it. I am perfectly capable of loving my 2 children with all the love i have, without biasness. Sometimes, i made things look very easy, very naturally, but thats not it. Its never easy, so much efforts have to be put in.

I think the only one who understands me and truly knows what i am doing, is Stev, and no one else. So young mother i may be… A perfect everything is nothing without a perfect husband.

Finally, we have finally decided to get a maid. I hope i wont abuse her.

We are going to get Jermaine over by hook or by crook, by then, i have to spend more time with both my kids, Jermaine needs my emotional support and I need a helper with the house chores.

So yes. Finally, i am getting a maid.

I have finally finished compiling my list of “Reasons” for my lawyers to file the Affidavit for Variation of Custody for Jermaine. I have not speak much to Jermaine’s paternal family about this and i dont intend to. Lets just wait and see how the reaction will be when they received the notice from my lawyers. This time i am dead serious.

And i am also quite stress cuz from now on, i cannot talk about Dave in this blog. He called me on Monday evening (Finally after so many years) to “not involve him” in my blog. I respect his decision. From now on, i will not say much about him. In fact there’s really nothing much left to say.

I am so tired now. My back and shoulder is hurting me. I hope i can sleep better tonight.

I feel like smoking these days… yah i know, i have so call quited smoking for so long… why am i feeling this way? Too much stress…? Afterall, i am still a woman… and its tough to be a career woman with a family and kids… I am still learning. I know i will manage. Like i say, after so long, how worst can it be? It wont kill me.

I have forgotten when we started to have a “Mid-Week Call”. It has been going on for one or two years if i can remember, that Jermaine and I will call up each other on a Wednesday. We call this our “Mid-Week Call”. Since young, i tried not to disturb her by calling her up on weekdays. It is as if that we have long drawn the line and we know that weekdays belongs to her Grandma and weekends belongs to me. Likewise, her side of the family seldom call Jermaine whenever she is with me on weekends.

Since she started Primary school, i have become increasingly concern about her school work. If she’s catching up or if she had put in enough effort. But i know its almost impossible for me to coach her on her studies during Mondays to Thursday and I always feel helpless about this. Jermaine will call me sometimes, just to check a particular spelling of a word or if her phrasing of a sentence is correct. Sometimes she will read up a Maths problem to me and i will guide her over the phone on things like how to draw the correct “Model” or who’s age she should find out first. Other times she will call and say she misses me and cant wait for Fridays to come.

This is our Mid-Week Call. Its pathetic i know, but its the best we could do to stay close. Recently, we engage Charlize in our conversations… I will turn on the Speaker function and Charlize could hear her sister chattered away. Sometimes Charlize will make some baby sounds and me and Jermaine will laugh it off.

That short 3 to 4 mins, is what we get at Mid-Week.

I remember the short conversation between Stev, Maine and I when i told Jermaine now that she is older, i shall not call her “Maine Maine” (Her baby name) anymore and she asked innocently what then should i call her. I replied “Jermaine”, the unisex name i had chosen for her, so that she will have the guts of a Man, yet, the feminine of a Lady.

When Stev casually asked her, “What did your daddy call you at home?” She took a very very long time, almost struggling, searching hard for the name her daddy call her. Stev and I were a little uneasy. When she replied nonchalantly, “My daddy havent call my name for a long time…” Stev and I look at one another… speechless.

Its Thursday tonight. I miss her and I cant wait for tomorrow.

Its has been a while… so much had happened. Its find it hard to keep my thoughts in my head long enough to put it down in writing… Its hard to focus when you have so many things in your head…

Today, especially, i feel the need to pen down my thoughts.. in fact, i feel the need to keep everything properly documented for Jermaine. Afterall, this blog was created for her… When she gets older, maybe this little documentation will help her through whatever she might faced when she becomes a young woman herself… Silly thoughts of mine!

Take a deep breathe and get ready for this…

I am going to fight for Jermaine’s custody.

Yes, after so long, i had finally mustered all the courage i have in me to go through this ugly battle all over again.

5 years have passed. Its hard trying to read through the legal papers drafted 5 years ago without having tears welled up in my eyes… Its cruel to revisit the past. 5 years ago, i was a mere 20 year old with no paper qualifications and earning an income of less than $1.5K a month. As much as i wanted Jermaine to be with me, i know i have to be realistic… What kind of life do i want? What kind of life do i want to provide Jermaine with? I need a degree, i need a career… I need a care-giver for Jermaine whilst devoting my time at work, striving for my goals… There is nothing i can do, no one i can trust… It was bitter. I was not alone, yet I was so alone… I was at the brim but i could not collapse.

It was not an easy decision to give Jermaine to her paternal grandma. But it was the best i could give at that time. She was the only one i could trust Jermaine with. She was not even 3 years old. As much as i regretted the decision. I kept telling myself, that it was the best i could do. Its either to put her at her grandma’s or to work my $1.5k-per-month job, foregoing a part time education and to split half of my monthly disposable income with a nanny for Jermaine. Is this the kind of life for me? For Jermaine? Its hard, but no. That was definitely not what i want. I may be selfish but sometimes we have to be.

Reading the legal papers again after so many years… Mixed feelings flooded my heart. 5 years had passed. I have changed so much. With my qualifications and job experience now, its not difficult to get a good paying job anywhere. I had already craved out a career of my own. I run businesses. I do financial plans for my companies. There’s so many big pictures i paint every day at work, but there’s never a night that i sleep without thinking about Jermaine…

“How is she today? Is she asleep already? Is she happy in school today? Have she done all her homework?”

All these years… there’s never a night that i sleep without thinking about her.

“My little Mainemaine” - thats what i call her ever since she was a baby. Today i realised that she no longer is that little baby i used to hold in my arms and i, was no longer her everthing… Maybe, she do not understand “Love” yet, or maybe her character had built and it is starting to show. After all, the 8-years-olds today is not like the 8-years-olds back then… I still remember when i was 8, i was meek like a kitten, and my Mother is queen. Never will i dare to talk back at her, shout at her or walk away to show my anger in defiance. Never will i dare to do what my little mainemaine had done to me today…

She has, afterall, grew up in a difficult environment. Was i just plain naive to even think that she had been coping well all these years and that i was such a fantastic Mother. No, i should be shaking my head with shame. No, I’m not even close, i am not a fantastic mother.

Is it a mistake of mine to not believe in caning… Back in the old days, we suffer our Mother’s canings to learn our mistakes… All these years, i had never use a cane on Maine. I never use it because i love her too much that i am scared of losing her. When she was younger, i avoid spanking her because i want her to look forward to weekends… to coming over my place staying with me. I never want to scare her away by spanking her. Even if she was making me so mad. I know, all this will eventually lead to the shaping of a little truant… I am sad because i hate to think that my efforts had went the wrong way.

I told maine that it wasnt easy giving birth to her, it was a very harsh and hard decision. I always wanted to keep this till she is older but i think i have to teach her the hard way. I told her that it is very easy for me to not want her. I can start by just not taking her back on weekends. She had really broke my heart given all i had done for her. Since the day she was just a tiny lump of life in my womb, I have never stop loving her…

I told her that she got to know who she is talking to. I am her Mother, the one who gives her her life, who care for her since she was a tiny baby. The one who risk everything just to bring her into this world. She must not challenge me and show me the slightest disrespect. She must not grow up to be an ungrateful person.

I know its too late to try caning, it will only backfires. I can only reason with her and make her understand, that everything i do, i do it for her own good. She is getting difficult and a little bit out of control. She is still a little girl, not yet a teenager, if i dont slow her down, i dont know what will become of her in the years to come…

Sigh, being a mother… its never an easy job.

Yes… Thats how old i am. I am turning 25 on this 6th of Apr. I have always felt older than this age, and having accomplished so much in my life, its quite hard to relate to my real age…

I have already started my birthday celebration… erm, progressively, since 2 weeks ago. “Progressively” is one word that i like to use these days…  Stev bought me a Sony Ericsson w890i which i so loveeeee! This is his birthday present to me this year! I was a little bit disappointed as i hinted him that i would like to have a Baby-G watch… well but of coz i definitely went kinda gaga over my new phone… I guess this is his way of surprising me with something practical and better.

The reason i am writing this entry now at this early hour is because i really do not wish to lose the enthusiasm when i woke up. I should be retiring to bed now. Charlize is sleeping so soundly now and she looks so angelic and sweet when she sleep. Oh, i havent mention that she has learnt to terrorise me (and me only) now… Better not go off the course, i should be writing about my birthday, hey! I just came back from a KTV session and the last time i went out singing was when i was 5 months pregnant, just last year… Friends been so sweet and guess what? I received a Baby-G watch from them as my birthday present!! It is something that i longed to have since i was 11 years old! Pathetic right? I still remember when i was Primary 5 and how everyone in my class have a Baby-G on their wrist to show off, all except me… I was not as well off then and i wouldnt dare to ask my parents for such an expensive watch… Thinking back, its kinda silly, but all these years past by and i have never bought a Baby-G for myself… I am very very happy!

Of course whats make my day besides being able to go out with friends after being confined to my kids for so long is the fact that i am able to doll up, once again! With make-ups bought by my 4 lovely sisters (which i received as my birthday gifts) and that Stev have been so sweet to me the whole of today! Wow, what a wonderful feeling! I almost forgot that i am entitled to some pampering as well, since the day i’ve been upgraded to “A mother of Two”… Life have been so hectic… but of coz, fulfiling!

Its late now, i should sleep, just a quick update on how my life have been… i look forward to this weekend, and i will try not to think too much about all the work waiting on my desk, starting Monday..

Love,

Ris

Stev and I will be bringing Jermaine for her first trip by Aeroplane to Hongkong this May… We’ve got everything planned and booked, our tour include 1 night stay in Disneyland Hollywood Hotel… I am very excited and cant wait for May to come soon. But the thoughts of leaving Charlize behind is quite terrible. Sigh… Charlize is very attached to me and i hope she will behave herself when Stev and I are not around.

Charlize is eating her porridge very well now. She truly takes after Stev. Her bowl will still be warm even after she had finishes her porridge and she has a very high tolerance for hotness. She will get very impatient and cries when we blow on the spoonful of porridge to cool it. She gobbles everything down once the spoon reaches her mouth (or her mouth reaches the spoon). She can crawl very well on fours now and she love exploring the house, like visiting Jermaine’s room then to realise her sister is only at home on weekends.

She can sit and now likes to stand by pulling herself up with the support from stationary objects like chairs, beds… anything she can get hold of, including US!! Anyone who sits on the floor become her “support”. She like to “climb mountain” (Stepping on Stev’s belly) whenever he carrys her.

Its such a joy to see my little baby grow.

Some of you may not get emotional over this, but if you are a Dad yourself, and if your daughter is still in her infanthood or childhood or if you love her a lot despite being in the rebellious stage of adolescence, then this commercial will really really hit you.

I cried because the “promise to love” the Dad in the commercial has on his daughter is so intense, and the editing of the commercial makes you see the flashback moments from the birth through the daughter’s growth over the years, and makes you see why the Dad is actually capable of forgiving his daughter.

I cried because of the thought that this unfortunate incident could happen to me somewhere down the road of time.

(Extracted from Music.Photo.Life by Chester Tan, a friend of mine)

I cried too… the video touches me not only from the perspective of a parent with daughter, but as a daughter of my parents too…

Love is a never-ending cycle…

Hey its been so long… dear old Iris is finally back on. Its quite a shame that this is actually my first post for the Year 2008… wow! I have been busy for such a long time, its time i take a break from my hectic (work) life and go back to the things i’ve enjoyed doing…

Everything can happened within a short period of time. I have, yet again became a stronger or should i say tougher person from the past few months that i had been gone (from here). I still hold on to my strong principle of not blogging about my work or my company but i can give you a little hint. I am working very hard to crave out a career, to pull things together and to re-organise a lot of things… Basically, there are so many things that we should have done a long long time ago. I hope we can accomplished ‘em this year. My Dad and I were both born in the year of Pig, and according to the Chinese predictions in this Year of Rat, people born in the year of Pig can finally put down the heavy burden carried thus far and all things unsettled will be settled for once and for all… How i hope this prediction is true. How i really really hope.

For those who havent realised, I am working in a family business, it used to be a 2 families’ business and i have 2 bosses to report to. One is my Dad, and the other was my dad’s long time friend. Things had gotten very complicated in the recent years and i was often stuck between the 2 bosses. The company wasnt growing because too much time was spent on conspiracies and defence. There were many things that i wanted to do but forced to be push aside by the circumstances. Many things fell out of my control yet i had to force my way through the damage-control. When so many people advised me to leave for a greener pasture, afterall, i am capable of fetching a fine market value… but i couldnt just leave when i am link by blood to the company. Yes, there had been so many times i wanted to just go… put down everything and go… but i always lack the courage to do so. Maybe i wasnt suppose to go… maybe i need to hold on until this day.

So, whenever i have work to worry about, i choose to take a hiatus. Its ok that my readers ditch me and go read some well, if not, better-written site, i wont blame them because, once in a while… people need change. I need change.

I am fine overall, Charlize is coming to 8 months in a few more days and she can already sit and crawl on 4 legs. She can even pull herself up standing when supported by a stationary object. So its not surprising if she could walk before turning 1. Maine could walk when she was 11 months old. Lets see if Charlize can beat her sister to that!

Jermaine has become a better sisters through these time. She have been a great help to me taking care of Charlize, fetching things, and doing her own tidying. While passing by a pushcart selling customised badges last tuesday, i’d decided to get her this:

It reads “I am Mummy’s BEST HELPER”. I think she will be very proud to wear this on her tee shirts whenever i need her help with Charlize.

Of course, here are more pictures, with love from us…

This is my new LV bag…!!! (Ya, i know, i can be quite bitchy at times…).. I just bought it on Saturday for a hefty $1,170!! I heard this is the latest addition to the Monogram Series, its call Montorgueil and this design was only released in Feb 2008. It cannot be all work and no play (or shopping) right?

Charlize is almost 5 months now… Stev and I call her “Happy Baby” because she likes to smile alot and she seldom cry. When she is unhappy or bored, she will make noises signaling us to carry her… She only cries when we ignore her (which we wont) and she dont really scream (till now)… I am very glad Charlize had been easy all these while. My Charlize even follows a good “day-activity schedule”, like she will want to be bathed by 9am, had her baby food (Fruits or veggies in a jar) by 11am and poos by 12noon, etc. She’ll get cranky if we do not follow that schedule… thats when weekend comes when Stev and I line up our weekly activities of shopping, eat-outs, etc.

Charlize enjoys rolling to her stomach. She would lie on her stomach sometimes and put up both her arms and legs so that the only support she had is from her stomach. Of course she cant balance herself like a pro and gets all wobbly… Jermaine call this her “Surfboard” pose.

Once she shouted for me while i was busy in the kitchen, she was so excited, laughing and shouting “Mummy, come look…. Meimei know how to do a surfboard pose!!” We end up laughing for a while when Charlize repeatedly rolled onto her stomach to make the “surfboard” pose… Charlize chuckled when she saw us laughing…

Jermaine likes being a big sister. She gets all protective over her little “Meimei” (Younger sister in chinese). I hope the two will grow up close. Jermaine had suddenly became so sensible and responsible. I was quite ashamed of myself for not paying enough attention to her… Indeed, children grow up faster than we had noticed. All of a sudden, i had the impulse to quit my job and be a stayhome mum. Something i had never thought of all these years. But of course, this i know, is close to impossible. I always joked with friends that i’m married to my company and that a divorce is too tricky and complicated for me to handle at the moment. Not that i’m indisposable, its just the strings attached… all tangled, but still attached.

Its fun to watch my children grow. Jermaine is already 7 years old and she will be 8 and in primary 2 in 2008… I feel so old, I dont feel like I’m 24 at all.